I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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