just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
