I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
