he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I love having hate sex.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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