I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
