Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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