Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize