God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This house was built for laser tag.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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