I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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