Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
