I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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