The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize