Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
