no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
