the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
