sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
