I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
