peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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