The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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