I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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