DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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