so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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