True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
