Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
