dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
