God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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