why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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