i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
