this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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