i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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