Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
