So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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