I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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