You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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