I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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