I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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