Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
