my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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