I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
What drink are we having for lunch?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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