my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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