Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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