I CAN MOONWALK!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
