I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize