dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
