At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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