i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
