She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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