I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
