Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
