I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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