Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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