I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
