i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
