Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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