it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
