I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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