My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
