got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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