I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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