My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
