Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
