So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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