I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
