Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize