Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
